When Gratitude Feels Impossible: A Different Way Through the Holidays
The holidays can feel like a cruel joke when your family is in crisis.
While everyone else is posting their picture-perfect gatherings and heartfelt gratitude lists, you might be wondering how you'll make it through dinner without falling apart.
You're managing triggers, setting boundaries no one respects, and pretending everything is fine when your world feels like it's crumbling.
And then some well-meaning person suggests you practice gratitude. Maybe you want to scream. Maybe you want to cry. Perhaps you're thinking, "Grateful? For WHAT?"
I get it.... I've been there.
The Gratitude Practice That Made Me Want to Run
I'll never forget hearing people in support group meetings, many years ago, share how grateful they were for having an alcoholic in their lives. They were seriosly gateful because the program led them to recovery, and to the person they became.
And I remember thinking: These people are absolutely insane.
Grateful? For the chaos, the sleepless nights, the fear, the broken promises, the way addiction had torn through my family like a wildfire? Grateful for watching someone I loved self-destruct while I stood helpless on the sidelines?
Nope. Not me. I wasn't grateful. I was exhausted. I was angry. I was heartbroken.
And if you're reading this feeling the same way, please know: you don't have to be grateful for the pain. Not now. Not ever.
Fast forward to today, and I finally understand what those people were saying, even if the words felt impossible to hear back then.
They weren't grateful for the addiction or for the crisis.
They were grateful for what the crisis revealed in them. For the strength they didn't know they had. For the boundaries they finally learned to set. For the self-awareness that came from being forced to look at their own patterns. For the community they found when they stopped pretending everything was fine.
I can say now, after years of doing my own deep personal work, that I'm grateful too. Not for the pain, but for where it led me. For the work I now get to do. For the families I get to support. For finally understanding that I can't control anyone else's choices - I can only live my own best life.
And yes, some days it's still hard! Practicing gratitude doesn't suddenly make everything feel good all the time. It's more like... a different lens that becomes available to you, eventually, if you do the work.
We Need the Hard Stuff
We don't grow in comfort.
Think about every skill you're genuinely proud of, you probably struggled to learn it.
Every boundary you've set, you had to get hurt first to know where to draw the line.
Every moment of real self-awareness, probably came from sitting in discomfort long enough to finally see the pattern.
Crisis strips away everything that doesn't serve us. The fake relationships. The people-pleasing. The pretending. The version of ourselves we constructed to keep everyone else comfortable.
It's like the oyster and the pearl - the irritation becomes the catalyst for something beautiful. Not because we want the irritation. Not because we're grateful for the discomfort. But because that's how transformation works.
The caterpillar has to die before the butterfly can emerge.
Nobody would choose this path. But if you're on it, there's something powerful in acknowledging that the hardest roads often lead to the most profound growth, if you allow it.
A Different Kind of Gratitude for the Holidays
If gratitude feels impossible right now, don't force it. Spirtual bypassing and toxic positivity don't serve anyone. But if you're looking for a way through these difficult days, here are some gentle reframes that might feel a little more honest:
You can be grateful for:
Your survival skills. You've made it this far.
The people who show up even imperfectly. Even if it's just one person. Even if that person is you, showing up for yourself.
Moments of peace, not perfect weeks or days . Maybe it's five minutes of quiet with your coffee. Maybe it's a deep satisfying breath that actually reaches deep into your lungs.
Your own courage. For setting that boundary. For saying no.
Choosing to prioritize yourself even when it felt selfish.
For me, I'm grateful for the families I get to support. For you, it might be the compassion you now have for others in pain. The wisdom you can share. The person you're becoming, slowly, one hard day at a time.
The Mysterious Way Growth Works
Years from now (or maybe just months) you too might look back and see how the worst thing that happened to you also cracked you open, and forced you to be stronger than you ever thought possible.
I truly thought those people who talked like this were out of their minds. Now I'm one of them. Not because the pain was good. But because the person I became through the pain - the work I get to do, the tools I learned that changed everything. That's something I wouldn't trade.
And maybe, someday, you'll find your own version of that too.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
If you're navigating the holidays while your family is in crisis, please know: you deserve support. You deserve a community that understands. You deserve tools that actually work...
That's why I created The Serenity Circle.
It's a free online membership community for families impacted by addiction and codependency. A place where you can release the shame, learn evidence-based skills, practice mindfulness, and connect with others who truly get it.
We don't force gratitude or rush your healing. We meet you exactly where you are and give you practical tools to navigate the chaos while you take your life back.
Inside The Serenity Circle, you'll find:
Monthly live workshops and healing circles
Evidence-based family recovery tools and training
Guided meditations and accessible yoga practices
A compassionate community that understands
Resources for setting boundaries without guilt
Support for your own healing (which is the greatest gift you could give your family this holiday season).
If you're tired of feeling alone in this. If you're done with advice that doesn't work. If you're ready to prioritize your own wellbeing without shame...
Go here to join The Serenity Circle: https://serenitycircle.co
You deserve support. You deserve healing. And you abssolutely deserve a community that sees you.
